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Musician Humor


Check out these zingers! If you have never been a musician, some of these jokes may not make a lot of sense. Although, even with just a little musical background, I think you may enjoy giving these posts a quick read.


I will try not to repeat jokes, so you should be safe to visit each new Music Humor blog post to get a new chuckle.


Teasing a Musician

 

So the construction is this: The joke will call out an instrument or type of musician and then make a comparison or tease them about some quality.


For example: How is lightning like a 's fingers? Neither one strikes in the same place twice.


So if you have a violinist friend, you might deliver it like:


How is lightning like a violinist's fingers? Neither one strikes in the same place twice.


Some will work better for certain instruments than others. Many work for any group of people (i.e., lawyers, etc.). Pick the ones you like and add them to your repertoire.

 

How do you keep your from getting stolen?

Put it in a(n) case.


What's the difference between a(n) X and a(n) Y ?

You can tune a(n) Y .


We all know that a(n) X sounds better than a(n) Y .

Why? Because it's usually still in the case.


What is the difference between a(n) and a coffin?

The coffin has a boring/dead/lifeless person on the inside.


What is the difference between a(n) and empty space?

~The space is more interesting.

~The space has more to offer.


What do you do with a dead ist ?

Tune, finally.


What is the difference between a(n) and a trampoline?

You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.


What's the difference between a(n) and an onion?

No one cries when you cut up a(n) .


What's the definition of a minor second?

Two s playing in unison.


What's the definition of "perfect pitch"?

Throwing a(n) into a dumpster without hitting the rim.


Why do s stand for long periods outside their homes?

They can't find the key and don't know when to come in.


What's the difference between a washing machine and a(n) ist?

Vibrato.


Why do so many people take an instant dislike to the ?

Saves time.


How can you tell when a(n) is out of tune?

They're playing.


How was the canon invented?

The section was cued.


How is a(n) ist putting their instrument away like peeing in your pants?

They both give you a nice warm feeling without making a sound.


Why is a(n) solo like a nuclear bomb?

By the time you hear it, there's nothing you can do about it.


Why is a(n) solo like premature ejaculation?

Because once it starts, there's nothing but shame.


Why do ists leave their instrument cases on their dashboards?

So they can park in handicapped parking places.


Why don't ists play hide and seek?

Because no one will look for them.


Why do ists smile when they play?

Because ignorance is bliss.


Why shouldn't ists take up mountaineering?

Because if they get lost, it takes ages before anyone notices that they're missing.


What's the difference between dead skunk and a crushed in the road?

Skid marks in front of the skunk.


Who do you get a(n) X to sound like a(n) Y ?

Play a lot of wrong notes out of tune.


If you throw a(n) X (ist) and a(n) Y (ist) off a cliff, which would hit the ground first?

The (ist), because the (ist) would stop halfway down to ask for directions. Or...


If you throw a(n) X (ist) and a(n) Y (ist) off a cliff, which would hit the ground first?

Who cares?!


A conductor and a(n) ist are standing in the middle of a road. Which one do you run over first, and why?

The conductor. Business before pleasure.


What is the most popular recording of the Composer Concerto?

Music Minus One


What do a(n) and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is happy when the case is closed.


What is the range of a(n) ?

As far as you can throw it.


What do a SCUD missile and a(n) player have in common?

They are both offensive and inaccurate.


Why do X s seem bigger than they really are?

It's not that X s are big; just that the X ist's heads are so small.


What's the difference between a chainsaw and a(n) ?

If you really had to, you could perform with a chainsaw.


What is the definition of a cluster chord?

A(n) section playing in unison?


Why do string players get antsy when they see the Kama Sutra?

All those positions!


If you are hunting in the desert, what do you aim for? The good X player, the bad X player, or the Polar bear?

The bad player. The other two are only figments of your imagination.


Why should you run your car off a cliff with a(n) in it?

Come on. You could fit a few more in there.


How many ists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. They're too big to fit.


Why do people tremble with fear when someone comes into a bank carrying a violin case?

They think he's carrying a machine gun and might be about to use it!

But why are people afraid when someone comes into a bank with a(n) case?

They think he's carrying a(n) and might be about to use it!


What's the difference between a 1st X and a 2nd X ?

~ Usually about a measure.

~ About 20 cents.


Why can't you hear the section on recordings?

Recording equipment is so advanced now, it automatically removes extraneous noise.


Did you hear about the ist who bragged that they could play 64th notes?

The rest of the ensemble didn't believe them, so they proved it by playing one.


Why can't a(n) ist play with a knife in their back?

Because they can't lean back in their chair.


To tease string players. What's another name for auditions?

The Scratch Lottery


What's the difference between a(n) ist and a prostitute?

Prostitutes have a better sense of rhythm.


How do you get a dozen ists to play in tune?

~ Shoot 11 of them.

~Shoot all of them.

~Who the hell wants a dozen ist?!


What's the latest crime wave in New York City?

Drive-by recitals.


How does a(n) ist's brain cell die?

Alone.


What do you call a(n) ist with two brain cells?

Pregnant.


Why do ists have pea-sized brains?

Probably because the alcohol has swelled it.


How many ists does it take to make a batch of chocolate chip cookies?

Ten. One to stir the batter and nine to peel the M&Ms.


What is the longest joke?

The Composer Concerto.


What do you call a bunch of in a hot tub?

Vegetable soup.


Did hear about the ist who played in tune?

Neither have I.


What is the primary requirement at the International Competition?

Hold the from memory.


Why did the ist marry the accordion player?

Upward mobility.


How do you transcribe a(n) X piece for Y ?

First, you divide the metronome marking by 2.


Why do you always bury a viola player as least three feet under?

Because deep down, they're all very nice people.


How do you keep a(n) ist from drowning?

Take your foot off his head.


Thanks to Jeff Bigler at MIT (if he's still there) for collecting and sharing the jokes.

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